Last night and even a little bit this morning have been a little rough on me. I had a rough time sleeping last night - a couple weeks ago, J gave my bed the people's elbow and bent one of the wheels on the frame, so it is a little wonky. Needless to say, last night all I could see was the wonk - it made it very difficult for me to fall asleep because my mind was wondering.
I can't tell you how many delusional scenarios I was dreaming up at 1 AM, but I can tell you they all ended up with saying some of the following words to me:
-Damn I have missed you (we were snuggling in my broken bed during the delusion)
-Katie, I made a mistake, I have totally been falling in love with you but trying not to let myself. (to which I told him that I didn't believe him - point me)
-Can we please try again? I keep wanting to tell you about all the things going on in my life and it made me realize how much I enjoyed having you in my life (yes, I that is actually me who keeps wanted to tell him things, sigh).
My head knows that none of these things are ever going to happen. My heart just isn't ready to accept it yet and keeps making my head doubt itself. This produced a few tears last night and I did have a little breakdown this morning at the office.
I am just so glad I started this blog so I could get these things out - who knew basically writing an online diary would be so beneficial?
That said - I am just going to keep truckin' along and I know in time things will feel better. I am also going to do my best NOT to contact him at all - it is difficult, but necessary. Not going to be the one who can't let go...
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