With the death of any relationship in your life, there is a lot of self reflection about what happened or what went wrong. At the same time, there are many things that you realize that are important for your personal growth.
For me, with this relationship I realized how I have treated all of the guys before J and how I was at this time experiencing what we call karma. Thinking back on the guys I actually let into my life, I realized that I always held them at arm's length - just the same way that J was holding me away from him.
I realized that I was never open to really being with someone. Of course, the reasons were different every time, but they were still there. First because he was in college and I was still in high school. Once because he had children and I was clear that children of any kind were not in my future at that time. Again because I thought there could be something better out there.
J held me at arm's length and it hurt, but I learned that I can let someone in. Maybe I needed this heartbreak so the next time the right guy was there, or when the right guy was there, I would be able to let them in. That I will be able to understand the greatness that had come into my life.
All I hope now is that I will be able to recognize it and not use this heartbreak as a reason to again put someone at arm's length.
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