One of my facebook friends just posted this as their status:
- six months ago today, I met the one who will change my tomorrows.
Hopefully one day in the future I will be able to post the same kind of status! I couldn't help clicking the 'like' feature and think about how well put that was...
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
One of My Favorite Poems
I have to thank my friend Angela for introducing me to the poetry of Pablo Neruda. this is one of my favorite poems and I feel that it is how I am feeling towards J these days...
Saddest Poem
By Pablo Neruda
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."
The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think that I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.
To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.
What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.
That's all. Far away, someone sing. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.
As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.
The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.
I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch the ear.
Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.
Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.
Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.
from PoemHunter.com
Saddest Poem
By Pablo Neruda
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."
The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think that I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.
To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.
What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.
That's all. Far away, someone sing. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.
As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.
The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.
I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch the ear.
Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.
Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.
Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.
from PoemHunter.com
Musings
Great tweet by Jay-Z (@JayzSCarter)
"The 3 things a guy should wanna change about his girl is her last name, her address and her viewpoint on men."
"The 3 things a guy should wanna change about his girl is her last name, her address and her viewpoint on men."
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sex & the City Moment
Big finds Carrie in Paris and tells her 'it took me a long time to get here, Carrie you are the one.'
No wonder we always think that there is going to be some big Hollywood moment where the guy figures out he can't live without you. These are the images that we see over and over again.
I won't lie, I thought to myself - see, it could happen. Delusion!
No wonder we always think that there is going to be some big Hollywood moment where the guy figures out he can't live without you. These are the images that we see over and over again.
I won't lie, I thought to myself - see, it could happen. Delusion!
Friday, March 25, 2011
This is Amazing!
John Legend doing an a capella cover of Adele's Rolling in the Deep - listen, you won't be sorry!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Turning the Corner
I think today is the day I am officially turning the corner from heartbroken to resurrected. Even though I hated that I contacted him via email, I think it is the best thing I could have done. I know that nothing is going to be different, I know that he is never going to fight to have me in his life and I feel better being able to shut the door on any possibilities I had in my head.
I did just sent him one last email with all the things I wanted to say and didn't get the chance. To be completely honest, for the most part it was very complimentary on his character. Though I am sure he has no idea what to make of it.
One point I did make was that many times his actions did not match his words and I chose to look at those actions instead of the words. I did let him know I had no regrets because the past few months had been totally fun and I learned things about myself that I never thought I would. Who would ever of thought that I would enjoy waiting on someone and seeing the smile when I did?
While I am sure there will be a few more days where I get sad:
I am ready to officially open the next chapter in my life and I think I am finally open to finding the right guy. I have been a commitmentphobe for so long and never opened up to the guys I have dated in the past. It is now on!
Now accepting applications!
I did just sent him one last email with all the things I wanted to say and didn't get the chance. To be completely honest, for the most part it was very complimentary on his character. Though I am sure he has no idea what to make of it.
One point I did make was that many times his actions did not match his words and I chose to look at those actions instead of the words. I did let him know I had no regrets because the past few months had been totally fun and I learned things about myself that I never thought I would. Who would ever of thought that I would enjoy waiting on someone and seeing the smile when I did?
While I am sure there will be a few more days where I get sad:
I am ready to officially open the next chapter in my life and I think I am finally open to finding the right guy. I have been a commitmentphobe for so long and never opened up to the guys I have dated in the past. It is now on!
Now accepting applications!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Status Report
I can't begin to tell you how much better I feel today. I finally broke down and emailed him last night. Basically I got something off my chest that has been bothering me for awhile: My slight tirade that Sunday morning. How I knew in my head that it wasn't going to be what I wanted but I had let my heart lead. I of course said a few other non-break up things.
He actually responded and it has given me a little bit of closure. First he said it was good to hear from me (that was nice) and then this:
I wish I could have given you what you wanted (or at least taken the next step), but you know how us commitment phobes are... plus, you are right. You deserve to get what you want. And I am sure that you will find it!
Not exactly what I want to hear, but at least one he thinks I deserve better and addressed that possibly there wasn't anything wrong with me.
Glad I emailed and now I really know he isn't going to beg for me back (bummer). It just means I can close the chapter and start to move forward. Yes, I will still have delusions...
It's still not perfect, but at least it is getting better!
He actually responded and it has given me a little bit of closure. First he said it was good to hear from me (that was nice) and then this:
I wish I could have given you what you wanted (or at least taken the next step), but you know how us commitment phobes are... plus, you are right. You deserve to get what you want. And I am sure that you will find it!
Not exactly what I want to hear, but at least one he thinks I deserve better and addressed that possibly there wasn't anything wrong with me.
Glad I emailed and now I really know he isn't going to beg for me back (bummer). It just means I can close the chapter and start to move forward. Yes, I will still have delusions...
It's still not perfect, but at least it is getting better!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Musings
Martin Lawrence just posted this to Twitter:
3 ways to die early. smoking = 5 years early. alcohol = 10 years early. loving someone who doesn't love you = you die daily.
I can't say that it doesn't resonate with me on some level.
3 ways to die early. smoking = 5 years early. alcohol = 10 years early. loving someone who doesn't love you = you die daily.
I can't say that it doesn't resonate with me on some level.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Currently Listening To...
Leona Lewis Better In Time
Great song, good lyrics. Definitely using for inspiration today. Even though I am still sad, I am moving in the right direction. Actually, I don't know if I am really sad, but rather reflective...
Full Lyrics:
Better In Time lyrics
It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through
Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice
you mean everything
Quickly I'm learnin'
To love again
All I know is
I'm gon' be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something that'd remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming
Don't wanna let that hurt my feelings
But that's the path I've been living
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes, I will
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Great song, good lyrics. Definitely using for inspiration today. Even though I am still sad, I am moving in the right direction. Actually, I don't know if I am really sad, but rather reflective...
Full Lyrics:
Better In Time lyrics
It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through
Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice
you mean everything
Quickly I'm learnin'
To love again
All I know is
I'm gon' be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something that'd remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming
Don't wanna let that hurt my feelings
But that's the path I've been living
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes, I will
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Loserville
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
You will not email
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Status Report
Today has been a little bit of a tough one. I have found myself thinking about John too many times today. My parents came down to help me hang some art and I found that most of my stories began with 'John & I' or 'We really liked.' Not only that, we went to the same restaurant where we had our Valentines' Day dinner. They basically sat us right next to the table where we ate and we even had the same server. Thanks cosmic synergy...
The good news, is that I am trying to look at the positive things I can take from the relationship. At least I finally opened up to someone and actually wanted to do things to make someone happy. If this means I am going to find someone better, I am actually pretty stoked for that.
The good news, is that I am trying to look at the positive things I can take from the relationship. At least I finally opened up to someone and actually wanted to do things to make someone happy. If this means I am going to find someone better, I am actually pretty stoked for that.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Currently Listening To...
This just popped up on iTunes random and I realized how much I liked the lyrics. Enjoy!
Kate Voegele - Sweet Silver Lining
Lyrics:
I'm going home
Downhearted and hoping
I'm close to some new beginning
I know
There's a reason for everything
That comes and goes
But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And I'll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining
Most days
I try my best to put on a brave face
But inside
My bones are cold and my heart breaks
But all the while
Something is keeping me safe
And alive
But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And I'll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining
I wont give up like this
I will be given strength
And now that I've found it
Nothing can take that away
But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And I'll keep believing
But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And I'll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining
Music owned by Universal Music Group.
Kate Voegele - Sweet Silver Lining
Lyrics:
I'm going home
Downhearted and hoping
I'm close to some new beginning
I know
There's a reason for everything
That comes and goes
But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And I'll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining
Most days
I try my best to put on a brave face
But inside
My bones are cold and my heart breaks
But all the while
Something is keeping me safe
And alive
But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And I'll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining
I wont give up like this
I will be given strength
And now that I've found it
Nothing can take that away
But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And I'll keep believing
But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And I'll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining
Music owned by Universal Music Group.
Currently Listening To...
Hey - at least it isn't from Jagged Little Pill...
Full Lyrics:
how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping
thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
Full Lyrics:
how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping
thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
DTFG #2
So I guess I could have taken them down, but I really like how I looked in this one picture...
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Musings
Last night as I was laying in bed, I just kept replaying the relationship in my mind. I started to feel really ashamed - that I had been pathetic and begging for scraps of attention. I started to wonder if he secretly laughed about me to his friends, could that be why he didn't ever introduce me really?
Thankfully my friend Sarah did talk me off the ledge a little. But I still have niggling doubts - I mean, I was obviously trying my hardest to show him how great I could be. Harder than I have ever tried for a man before. In fact, if the ex's had seen how I waited on him and wanted to cook for John, they would have been flabbergasted. It was definitely bordering on 'DomestiKatie' territory.
Right now I just keep trying to stick to the 'you are going to find something even better' because what I thought I found was pretty damn good in my eyes. Too bad he couldn't see the same about me.
With that - I am off to enjoy my St. Patrick's Day and I hope all of you are as well.
May the luck of the Irish be with us all.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Thankfully my friend Sarah did talk me off the ledge a little. But I still have niggling doubts - I mean, I was obviously trying my hardest to show him how great I could be. Harder than I have ever tried for a man before. In fact, if the ex's had seen how I waited on him and wanted to cook for John, they would have been flabbergasted. It was definitely bordering on 'DomestiKatie' territory.
Right now I just keep trying to stick to the 'you are going to find something even better' because what I thought I found was pretty damn good in my eyes. Too bad he couldn't see the same about me.
With that - I am off to enjoy my St. Patrick's Day and I hope all of you are as well.
May the luck of the Irish be with us all.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I Swear I Could Have Written This...
Fine Line by Little Big Town...
This song came on while I was driving back to the office from TJ Maxx (got a really cute pair of wedges and some cute sunglasses)and I don't think I had ever really LISTENED to the lyrics. Honestly, this is how I felt for so many weeks it is crazy!
Fun Fact: The dark haired singer went to high school at Lassiter which is right down the road from my office!
Full Lyrics:
Completely complacent
So excitedly vacant
I keep waiting for something to give
But that something is always me
You consume what your able
I get crumbs from your table
You call this comfortably normal
But i call it getting by
[Chorus]
Baby its a fine line
Im holding on your holding back
Baby its a fine line
Cant you hear it knockin at your door
But your taking your sweet time
In love and out of touch yeah
Baby its a fine line
Baby its a real fine line
Do you feel the distance
Like i feel resistance
If i pull any farther away
Would you even come after me
But the one thing im fearing
Is im disappearing
How can i keep believing
If you wont prove me wrong
This song came on while I was driving back to the office from TJ Maxx (got a really cute pair of wedges and some cute sunglasses)and I don't think I had ever really LISTENED to the lyrics. Honestly, this is how I felt for so many weeks it is crazy!
Fun Fact: The dark haired singer went to high school at Lassiter which is right down the road from my office!
Full Lyrics:
Completely complacent
So excitedly vacant
I keep waiting for something to give
But that something is always me
You consume what your able
I get crumbs from your table
You call this comfortably normal
But i call it getting by
[Chorus]
Baby its a fine line
Im holding on your holding back
Baby its a fine line
Cant you hear it knockin at your door
But your taking your sweet time
In love and out of touch yeah
Baby its a fine line
Baby its a real fine line
Do you feel the distance
Like i feel resistance
If i pull any farther away
Would you even come after me
But the one thing im fearing
Is im disappearing
How can i keep believing
If you wont prove me wrong
Status Report
I had a really bad 24 hours starting Monday night and it felt great to wake up this morning feeling renewed and not upset with the situation. Yes, I still want him to call me and declare his undying love (delusional, I know) but at least I wasn't waking up all but in tears because he had not.
While I am sure that the few glasses (OK, fine. bottle) of wine I had last night didn't hurt to wash away how I was feeling, catching up with my friend Cari really helped.
I can't tell you how much it means to me that so many of my friends have told me how proud they are of me for making a stand for myself. I guess I could have stayed in a relationship that was slowly making me miserable and fill up with self-doubt, but thankfully I have way too much pride for that.
It is really hard to see another of my friends struggling to make the break from a bad relationship. It has been dragging on for 4 years and now across the country. While I can't say I am not going to slip and contact John, but I am going to try my hardest not to. I wish that my friend would be able to do the same and stay away from her bad situation. She gets really close but always lets herself get sucked back in. Here is hoping her head will win out over her heart soon. Easier said than done - and if you are reading this - know you are loved!
Have a great hump day friends!
While I am sure that the few glasses (OK, fine. bottle) of wine I had last night didn't hurt to wash away how I was feeling, catching up with my friend Cari really helped.
I can't tell you how much it means to me that so many of my friends have told me how proud they are of me for making a stand for myself. I guess I could have stayed in a relationship that was slowly making me miserable and fill up with self-doubt, but thankfully I have way too much pride for that.
It is really hard to see another of my friends struggling to make the break from a bad relationship. It has been dragging on for 4 years and now across the country. While I can't say I am not going to slip and contact John, but I am going to try my hardest not to. I wish that my friend would be able to do the same and stay away from her bad situation. She gets really close but always lets herself get sucked back in. Here is hoping her head will win out over her heart soon. Easier said than done - and if you are reading this - know you are loved!
Have a great hump day friends!
Taking the Power Back #2
So I finally went to work by the UPS turn-off. Sadly, I had been taking Mt Vernon to avoid even thinking about UPS/John. Not today though - and I pulled up next to a hottie in a Volvo at the light of Abernathy and UPS rd. He smiled. Holla!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Delusional Moment #157
Every time I hear the ding of a text...
Maybe I should just put my phone on silent.
Maybe I should just put my phone on silent.
New Mantra
It's not going to happen...
It's not going to happen...
It's not going to happen...
It's not going to happen...
It's not going to happen...
It's not going to happen...
It's not going to happen...
It's not going to happen...
It's not going to happen...
It's not going to happen...
It's not going to happen...
It's not going to happen...
It's not going to happen...
It's not going to happen...
It's not going to happen...
Status Report
Last night and even a little bit this morning have been a little rough on me. I had a rough time sleeping last night - a couple weeks ago, J gave my bed the people's elbow and bent one of the wheels on the frame, so it is a little wonky. Needless to say, last night all I could see was the wonk - it made it very difficult for me to fall asleep because my mind was wondering.
I can't tell you how many delusional scenarios I was dreaming up at 1 AM, but I can tell you they all ended up with saying some of the following words to me:
-Damn I have missed you (we were snuggling in my broken bed during the delusion)
-Katie, I made a mistake, I have totally been falling in love with you but trying not to let myself. (to which I told him that I didn't believe him - point me)
-Can we please try again? I keep wanting to tell you about all the things going on in my life and it made me realize how much I enjoyed having you in my life (yes, I that is actually me who keeps wanted to tell him things, sigh).
My head knows that none of these things are ever going to happen. My heart just isn't ready to accept it yet and keeps making my head doubt itself. This produced a few tears last night and I did have a little breakdown this morning at the office.
I am just so glad I started this blog so I could get these things out - who knew basically writing an online diary would be so beneficial?
That said - I am just going to keep truckin' along and I know in time things will feel better. I am also going to do my best NOT to contact him at all - it is difficult, but necessary. Not going to be the one who can't let go...
I can't tell you how many delusional scenarios I was dreaming up at 1 AM, but I can tell you they all ended up with saying some of the following words to me:
-Damn I have missed you (we were snuggling in my broken bed during the delusion)
-Katie, I made a mistake, I have totally been falling in love with you but trying not to let myself. (to which I told him that I didn't believe him - point me)
-Can we please try again? I keep wanting to tell you about all the things going on in my life and it made me realize how much I enjoyed having you in my life (yes, I that is actually me who keeps wanted to tell him things, sigh).
My head knows that none of these things are ever going to happen. My heart just isn't ready to accept it yet and keeps making my head doubt itself. This produced a few tears last night and I did have a little breakdown this morning at the office.
I am just so glad I started this blog so I could get these things out - who knew basically writing an online diary would be so beneficial?
That said - I am just going to keep truckin' along and I know in time things will feel better. I am also going to do my best NOT to contact him at all - it is difficult, but necessary. Not going to be the one who can't let go...
Currently Listening To...
This song just popped on in my iTunes and I don't think the lyrics could be any better for how I am feeling.
Full Lyrics:
I think it was me it must have been me
I guess I did something wrong
I tried too hard
Wanted too much
I guess that's why it's gone
I lost my pride, I fought and cried
I felt like a little kid
What's wrong with me?
Still can't believe
I did the things I did
I couldn't change him
He was gonna break my heart
I saw it coming
Yeah I knew it from the start
[Chorus:]
When you love (when you love)
When you love someone like that, when you give what you can't take back
When you love (when you love)
With all your heart and soul, it's so hard to let it go
When you love someone like that (when you love someone like that)
Girl it aint right, it just aint right
Don't tell yourself that it was you
You followed your heart,you gave it your best
There's nothing more you can do
Guys like him are like the wind
And you know it's just too bad
They blow in and out again and never know what they had
Girl I can tell ya
He'll do the same to someone else it aint about you
So don't be so hard on yourself
[Chorus]
I have to say, the look on LeAnn's face in the frozen YouTube makes me laugh a little...
Full Lyrics:
I think it was me it must have been me
I guess I did something wrong
I tried too hard
Wanted too much
I guess that's why it's gone
I lost my pride, I fought and cried
I felt like a little kid
What's wrong with me?
Still can't believe
I did the things I did
I couldn't change him
He was gonna break my heart
I saw it coming
Yeah I knew it from the start
[Chorus:]
When you love (when you love)
When you love someone like that, when you give what you can't take back
When you love (when you love)
With all your heart and soul, it's so hard to let it go
When you love someone like that (when you love someone like that)
Girl it aint right, it just aint right
Don't tell yourself that it was you
You followed your heart,you gave it your best
There's nothing more you can do
Guys like him are like the wind
And you know it's just too bad
They blow in and out again and never know what they had
Girl I can tell ya
He'll do the same to someone else it aint about you
So don't be so hard on yourself
[Chorus]
I have to say, the look on LeAnn's face in the frozen YouTube makes me laugh a little...
Monday, March 14, 2011
Currently Listening To...
Adele - Best for Last
This sums up how I felt before I ended it...Great song.
Full Lyrics:
Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?
It's been there for days on end and
It's been waiting for you to open up
Just you baby, come on now
I'm trying to tell you just how
I'd like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally
Say that it's always been me
That's made you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you
You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me
Why is it every time I think I've tried my hardest
It turns out it ain't enough, you're still not mentioning love
What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?
I'm taking these chances and getting nowhere
And though I'm trying my hardest you go back to her
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say
I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you
You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me
But, despite the truth that I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak and running around
And I will do until I find myself with you
And make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
And we'll say all of the right things without a clue
And you'll be the one for me and me the one for you
This sums up how I felt before I ended it...Great song.
Full Lyrics:
Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?
It's been there for days on end and
It's been waiting for you to open up
Just you baby, come on now
I'm trying to tell you just how
I'd like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally
Say that it's always been me
That's made you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you
You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me
Why is it every time I think I've tried my hardest
It turns out it ain't enough, you're still not mentioning love
What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?
I'm taking these chances and getting nowhere
And though I'm trying my hardest you go back to her
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say
I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you
You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me
But, despite the truth that I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak and running around
And I will do until I find myself with you
And make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
And we'll say all of the right things without a clue
And you'll be the one for me and me the one for you
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Musings
Sitting here alone on a Sunday night after a fantastic weekend, I have taken to musing about different things. One thing that is hard at the end of a relationship is when something happens and the first thing you want to do is to tell the ex about it.
I can't tell you how many times something has made me laugh and immediately I think how that would have made John laugh. Then I get sad because I miss having that person to share with - then I get happy because I refuse to give in and text him.
Another thing is the wish of knowing how the other person is doing - you want to know they are missing you and want to ask them how they are feeling. This is just a double edged sword. If you did give in and contact them, if they said they were fine and didn't miss you - CRUSHING. If they do say that they miss you, all it leads to is HOPE and then the delusions will start.
Of course, as the days go by, I realize these questions and desires will start to fade.
I can't tell you how many times something has made me laugh and immediately I think how that would have made John laugh. Then I get sad because I miss having that person to share with - then I get happy because I refuse to give in and text him.
Another thing is the wish of knowing how the other person is doing - you want to know they are missing you and want to ask them how they are feeling. This is just a double edged sword. If you did give in and contact them, if they said they were fine and didn't miss you - CRUSHING. If they do say that they miss you, all it leads to is HOPE and then the delusions will start.
Of course, as the days go by, I realize these questions and desires will start to fade.
Friday, March 11, 2011
It's Called Karma People
With the death of any relationship in your life, there is a lot of self reflection about what happened or what went wrong. At the same time, there are many things that you realize that are important for your personal growth.
For me, with this relationship I realized how I have treated all of the guys before J and how I was at this time experiencing what we call karma. Thinking back on the guys I actually let into my life, I realized that I always held them at arm's length - just the same way that J was holding me away from him.
I realized that I was never open to really being with someone. Of course, the reasons were different every time, but they were still there. First because he was in college and I was still in high school. Once because he had children and I was clear that children of any kind were not in my future at that time. Again because I thought there could be something better out there.
J held me at arm's length and it hurt, but I learned that I can let someone in. Maybe I needed this heartbreak so the next time the right guy was there, or when the right guy was there, I would be able to let them in. That I will be able to understand the greatness that had come into my life.
All I hope now is that I will be able to recognize it and not use this heartbreak as a reason to again put someone at arm's length.
For me, with this relationship I realized how I have treated all of the guys before J and how I was at this time experiencing what we call karma. Thinking back on the guys I actually let into my life, I realized that I always held them at arm's length - just the same way that J was holding me away from him.
I realized that I was never open to really being with someone. Of course, the reasons were different every time, but they were still there. First because he was in college and I was still in high school. Once because he had children and I was clear that children of any kind were not in my future at that time. Again because I thought there could be something better out there.
J held me at arm's length and it hurt, but I learned that I can let someone in. Maybe I needed this heartbreak so the next time the right guy was there, or when the right guy was there, I would be able to let them in. That I will be able to understand the greatness that had come into my life.
All I hope now is that I will be able to recognize it and not use this heartbreak as a reason to again put someone at arm's length.
Yes, I am loved
Today I walked into my office and this is the first thing I saw:
The post-it read: Katie, I hope this brings back your smile.
It is amazing the support that I have been receiving this week from my wonderful friends. Even from someone that I have not known that long, but that I now know will be a friend for life. I was so touched by the gesture that I started crying and even now have tears in my eyes as I type this post.
In other fantastic news, I learned that one of my best friends is finally moving back to the Atlanta area. The last time we were in the same city was our apartment in the 90210 - a place where we not only solidified our high school friendship but grew it into something that I would be lost without in my life. She really is my sister from another mother... Welcome home Amy - can't wait for you and yours to arrive back in the ATL!
I might feel that this break up has given me many lemons, but I sure am enjoying the damn delicious lemonade.
I love you all!
K
The post-it read: Katie, I hope this brings back your smile.
It is amazing the support that I have been receiving this week from my wonderful friends. Even from someone that I have not known that long, but that I now know will be a friend for life. I was so touched by the gesture that I started crying and even now have tears in my eyes as I type this post.
In other fantastic news, I learned that one of my best friends is finally moving back to the Atlanta area. The last time we were in the same city was our apartment in the 90210 - a place where we not only solidified our high school friendship but grew it into something that I would be lost without in my life. She really is my sister from another mother... Welcome home Amy - can't wait for you and yours to arrive back in the ATL!
I might feel that this break up has given me many lemons, but I sure am enjoying the damn delicious lemonade.
I love you all!
K
Status Report
I was just reading up on the 7 Stages of Grief. I didn't realize I wasn't allowed to have all these emotions at the same time. Currently I am at stage 2 AND stage 3....
Though for the most part I pretty much cover each stage for roughly 7 minutes each every hour.
Though for the most part I pretty much cover each stage for roughly 7 minutes each every hour.
Currently Listening To...
The lyrics of this song perfectly sum up how I feel at times - this doesn't matter if I am dating someone, not with someone, etc...
xoxo
K
xoxo
K
Status Report
So I woke up today all upset because this was the first Friday I woke up alone in 4 months - then I turned on the news and realized that my 'sob' story was nothing compared to what many people are going through in Japan. On top of that, my sister is actually in Japan on business but luckily she is OK.
It is good to be reminded of perspective on how small your issues really are compared to what millions of others are going through on a daily basis. I am really blessed in my life with riches of family and friends that many others could never even dream about.
Have a safe Friday...
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Getting Back the Power
There is one poem I always tell one of my best friends to read when she is down about a relationship. Since this is the loneliest Thursday I have had in quite awhile, I wanted to share it with you:
Comes the Dawn
Unknown
After awhile you learn the subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts.
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all of your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain.
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight,
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
that you really are strong,
that you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn -
With every goodbye, you learn.
DTFG #1
Welcome to my section - Damn That Felt Good...
I know, totally childish but I feel 'winning' and like I have 'tiger's blood.'
I know, totally childish but I feel 'winning' and like I have 'tiger's blood.'Status Report
I have bathed 2 days in a row. Yep, 2 days in a row, I am wearing regular clothes at the office and even attempted some makeup. I will jot this down as a victory....
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Here is my first Pretty Woman moment...
It doesn't involve me as a hooker leaving the life and being on a balcony where my 'prince' climbs to love me; my fantasy is a little bit more simple:
I am sitting on my couch in my old, ratty pj's and there is a knock at the door. At first my heart leaps thinking it might be the man, but then my brain takes over - must just be the pizza man at the wrong door. I look through the peep hole and there he is...
I open the door with belligerence and he just comes out and tells me that he was wrong, he can't live without me.
Then my brain takes over the daydream and I realize I am just living a Hollywood fantasy. More than likely the only time I will ever run into this guy will be by sheer coincidence.
Score 1 - Hollywood, Score 0 - Me.
Why Did I Decide to Start This????
I am sure all of you out there are wondering why I decided to start a second blog when I don't even post on my first. I am here to answer that question and it will be in at least 2 parts, but let's see what happens....
1. I recently got out of a relationship that I ended because I wasn't getting what I needed. I will explore a few things:
a. Why I thought maybe things were heading in the right direction (why I let my heart
lead even when my head didn't want to follow)
b. The delusional fantasies I have created in which the man realizes he can't live without
having me in his life.
and
2. Why women think that their lives and romances are going to be like those fantastic romantic comedies we have all watched and imagined ourselves living out in real life.
This includes:
a. Pretty Woman (without the hooker storyline - at least for me)
b. Some Kind Of Wonderful (if you let if free...)
c. The Family Stone (maybe I am with the wrong brother)
d. And many, many more...
I want this to be a space where we can all share our stories, lament, understand and also realize that we are amazing people that are worth having our happy endings.
Here is to love, life and happiness - with a little delusion.
xoxo,
Katie
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