Soul Searching

I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last week on what I really want out of life. Why I can't get this one man out of my mind, but yet know that it is never going to be anything or work out the way I want.

How can this man not fall in love with me the way I fell in love with him? He has even told me that he has a fantastic time with me, loves spending time with me - then what is it? I had never been with someone that made my brain tick so much, the laughter, let's not even discuss the physical - wowza. And he agreed with me - so why don't you want to be in a relationship with me? It seriously boggles the mind.

So then I decide I just need to take all of the good things that have come out of the whole thing. Who knew that making someone happy would make me so happy? Who knew that I would want to give everything I have to someone and then figure out a way to give more? The light bulb has finally gone off in my head of why I was never able to take a relationship to the next level - I was never open to it. I have always been such a private person, but I finally let someone in.

A wise friend told me this weekend "Once someone shows you who they really all, choose to believe it" or something similar to that. The thing is, I view J as a man that has so much love to give but refuses to allow himself to give it. The whole thing makes me sad on so many levels.

Anyway, I know this is a completely downer post, but it makes it feel better to get it out. And yes, I know I need to move on and my feelings aren't as strong as they use to be - I know things are not going to change. I just try to remember that if this wasn't the one, the next one is going to be that much better.